He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
