4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
