i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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