Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
