I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
