i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
