During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
