i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
