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we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
