You smell like a Billy Joel song
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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