Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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