Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
