3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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