I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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