he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
