Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
