Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
