Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
