It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
