shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I love you. Go after that dick
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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