I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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