just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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