a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
