My friends, they love my intelligence
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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