I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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