I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
