the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
