I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Two words: blizzard sex
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
