There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
