if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
