Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
