HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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