Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
