I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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