Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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