Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
smell my finger.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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