I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
