found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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