Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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