I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
