Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
