I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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