my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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