Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
