I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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