I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
