dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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