Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
