I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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