No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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