Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
